A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure.
Procrastination is like masturbation—it’s all good fun until you realize you’re just screwing yourself
Before I criticise a man, I like to walk a mile in his shoes.
That way, when I do criticise him, I’m a mile away and I have his shoes.
Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
I used to be a kleptomaniac, but now I’m taking something for it.
Always remember that good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.